Yesterday was one of those days.
Yes one of THOSE days…
We as moms all know what that kind of day feels like. I can just say it and other moms will nod in solidarity.
It felt like the longest day that went on forever.
A sick husband in bed.
One daughter sick.
One daughter feeling better physically but throwing fits left and right.
One exhausted mama from lack of sleep for the last couple nights whose patience was no where to be found.
News about COVID cases that we have been in contact with.
Holiday plans canceled.
Zoom calls and distance learning that was
never ending.
A house that looked like a tornado went off.
I was done.
So at night when my younger daughter started to throw a fit about her favorite pajamas not being clean I was not in any mood to deal with it.
Grace did not happen.
Patience had already left way earlier that day.
I was at my wits end and she was digging in her heels.  Finally after some not so great behavior on either of our parts she gave in and settled on a pair.
I crawled into bed with a weary spirit.
She curled up next to me like she does every night and my heart was still angry but hers apparently wasn’t—she laid down on my shoulder like nothing happened.
She placed her little arm across my body and started twirling my hair to fall asleep.
And as I felt her little body next to mine, my anger subsided.
I asked her to forgive me and she asked the same….but I am not writing this to tell you about forgiveness and grace. I am writing this to tell you what happened after that…how my beautiful God showed up for me.
You see, it is so often that I feel shame in my behavior when I don’t act a certain way.
When I don’t feel I am worthy of calling myself a follower of Jesus.
I often feel like I disappoint Him.
But in that moment with my daughter the Holy Spirit pressed something into my heart—It was this:
I love you that same way.
You’re behavior does not change my love.
So simply put and so unexpected.
I know in my mind He loves me and nothing can change that, but in this moment He spoke directly to my spirit.
His love cut in through the darkness of that day and shined in His light.  His truth cut through lies and shame that I was carrying.
It is so often that the enemy tries to convince me that my God couldn’t possibly love me when I am not walking in the Spirit–that He must be far when I am not reflecting Him well.
But isn’t it quite the opposite, He is right beside us when we are struggling against our flesh.
He isn’t running and hiding or judging us—He is gently guiding us with His staff.
Just as I could never stop loving my children for throwing a tantrum so is His love for me, and then some.
My God showed up when I was feeling ashamed of my behavior and instead of focusing on what I did wrong, He shined His light on His love and on everything He does right.
Sometimes it takes feeling completely defeated for Him to get our attention, doesn’t it?
I am not sure I will ever be able to fully understand His love but that is my prayer—
That every day I would be better able to grasp the depth and width of it.
And each day I seeing Him do exactly that, He waits for the perfect moment when my heart is ready to hear and He reveals more of His beautiful life giving love to me and I fall on my knees in awe.
And I find the blessing in the most weary days because they lead me right into His arms.